'The Voice' Recap: 99 Problems, But a Win Ain't One!

Welcome to the Christina Aguilera Show Recap! I'm sorry, did you think we were going to talk about voices? Oh, I'm sorry, America. This is a show about Christina Aguilera and her many thoughts, opinions, and her 99 problems. (See what I did there?!)

Before we get to the heart of the matter, let's discuss the completely unnecessary filler that took up 90 percent of the program. This, of course, meant more quality segments from part-time brain surgeon Christina Milian, and other great mistakes.

One non-mistake was the follicle fits of Juliet Simms. Homegirl went and got herself un-blonded. Thanks for listening, future BFF.

Now onwards! When asked by Late Night ghost, Carson Daly, Christina managed to not say a damn word about her team member Chris Mann. Because Christina is intuitive: She's acting on some Miss Cleo-type knowledge and she knows that when Carson asks about her thoughts on her pupil, what he's really asking about is how she's feeling, what she thinks about the show, and how her son is there to root her on! Because, you know, this show is not about four unknowns trying to make it in the music industry. So humble, Xtina. You went to work with a cold? Aww girl, you definitely deserve a cookie because most Americans definitely don't have to do that, ever. Above and beyond the call!

But to give Christina a break from her adoring audiences, NBC's thrown in a few performances from some other randos.

First, there's this kid Jermaine Paul. Have you heard of him? He can sing pretty alright, you know. I mean, he's no C! hristina Aguilera (pish-posh!), but he'll make due for now. I Believe I Can Fly is the ditty du jour, and (don't tell Christina!) he totally sang the pants off that song. He's fantastic vocally, but I never connect with his performances. But! He did have the first (of many, many, many) choirs for the evening. So, kudos for being a trendsetter or something.

NEXT: Christina Wears a Dress of Sorts